I lose control and it feels like something is in me that is trying to push it's way out.
And it scares me.
I should be able to ask for help when I don't understand something. But a voice in the back of my mind is telling me not no, that I should know this.
And I don't.
I can feel the question in my throat but I swallow it back down. And it makes me remember when I would swallow the words I so desperately wanted to speak, but wouldn't. It makes me remember all those things I could have said, had I not listened to that voice. Those nightmares that haunt me sometimes, that fester in my mind every once in a while. Knowing how easy it would be for me to return to that child,imprisoned by her insecurity terrifies me. And days like these feel like I'm walking backwards, everything I've worked towards disappearing with each step.It'll get easier, I tell myself. But something deep inside my soul tells me that I'm lying to myself, that the only thing my attempt to push myself up is doing is giving me false hope. False hope that makes me think that the person I used to be is securely hidden, and there's no way I can become that little self conscious girl again.
