That's Not Me

People look at me, my face, hear my voice, and tell me I'm emotionless.

That I'm aloof.

But if they read my words they would know that's not me at all.

i have more emotions than I know what to do with.

But people don't know me well enough to understand that.

I maybe I don't show it enough for them to realize it.

i can't help if my face isn't an open book, that I shield my eyes from what's running through my mind.

But if you read my words, you would see that I think about everything, all the time, That I miss that best friend that I lost, that I'm in love with the guy I pretend I don't care about.

That I cried myself to sleep when my last boyfriend broke my heart.

That I have hopes, dreams, fears, worries,

insecurities.

That no matter what people think, that person they describe me as,

it isn't me. It never has been, and never will be.

My Escape

How is it that I'm the only one who cares?

Because that's how it feels.

And I wish it weren't true.

Writing,

it's My love , my passion.

My life.

Seeing my words in print, that's what I dream about.

That pen in my hand never disappears, and my hands never cramp from the endless scribbling that I do.

My passion.

My glory,

It's what tells my story.

And that's never going to change.

I just wish other people saw that.

Brown Eyes

Its crazy how emotionless you can be.

You're just apathetic, and it makes me wonder:

How can you be so heartless?

I don't know.

That's what I've been trying to figure out.

Because even after all that's happened, I can't say that I feel nothing when I see you.

And I can't help that you can sense it when you look into my eyes.

But wen i look into yours-

there's nothing.

And it takes me back to when the wound you left was still ride open, and I wondered if you ever really cared for me.

I don't know what it is about you, but somehow you get to me every time, and no matter how hard i try to hide it, I show it sometimes.

And even though I know I wouldn't take you back, I kind of wish I could see how you really felt.

I don't want to hear your bullshit and overused lines that you use everyday.

I want something real, raw, and vulnerable.

But I guess that's not possible for you, is it?

I Guess You're Not

I wish you would just respond. Just tell me everything is going to be okay like you used to.

Because I need that, someone to listen when my hand is tired from writing what I feel.

Can you do that?

Be there for me like you used to?

Or am I being foolish? Am I hoping for something that's long gone?

All I want is for you to be there for me, when I need you.

But now it just seems like I'm waiting for a response that will never come, a hug I'll never feel, a best friend in you wished I could have, but never do.

And I'm left with this pang of disappointment in my stomach when I look for you and you're nowhere to be found.

All this time, I'm wondering:

Are you there?

I guess not.

Well I Don't

You tell me that you want to see what happen with us in the future, that you still regret how we fell apart, that you believe you've changed.

You tell me that you still have feelings for me, that you know that you can make me happy.

Well I don't.

I don't want you back. I don't have oppressed feelings for you. I don't think you've changed, and I don't want to wait till you do.

So stop trying. Stop pretending to be my friend, just to barrage me with this bullshit, because I'm tired of it.

I'm not someone you can feel bad for, and hope that the feelings I had for you are still there.

Because they're not.

You say you wish we we could be what we once were.

Well I don't.

Damn you College Board

Dear College Board,

why do you have to give me a hard time every time I need to deal with your damn site! do you have a vendetta against me?Because this isn't the firs time that I've had to deal with some crap like,

I'm sorry you have two accounts and one needs to be deleted for us to let you in.

OR

You're address is unrecognizable

OR

You don't seem to be affiliated with any high school

And next thing I know, I'm trying to log into the site for an hour, and I have the sudden urge to slam my compute into the wall.

So I just want to say thank you, you piece of crap, that only seems to hate me and waste my time with endless waiting.

Is i that had to register for the SAT?