My own worst enemy

I lose control and it feels like something is in me that is trying to push it's way out.
And it scares me.
I should be able to ask for help when I don't understand something. But a voice in the back of my mind is telling me not no, that I should know this.
And I don't.
I can feel the question in my throat but I swallow it back down. And it makes me remember when I would swallow the words I so desperately wanted to speak, but wouldn't. It makes me remember all those things I could have said, had I not listened to that voice. Those nightmares that haunt me sometimes, that fester in my mind every once in a while. Knowing how easy it would be for me to return to that child,imprisoned by her insecurity terrifies me. And days like these feel like I'm walking backwards, everything I've worked towards disappearing with each step.It'll get easier, I tell myself. But something deep inside my soul tells me that I'm lying to myself, that the only thing my attempt to push myself up is doing is giving me false hope. False hope that makes me think that the person I used to be is securely hidden, and there's no way I can become that little self conscious girl again.

Never Again

Never again, I say. never again will I cry over someone who isn't me. Never again will I let somebody consume me so much that I doubt myself. I let my guard down, I let myself drown in my sorrows over who? That's right, nobody. I'm done with concerning myself with all the stuff that isn't me. Call me selfish, but the only person that' getting hurt is me. So I'll put that wall back up. That wall that protected me from douche bags with no heart. All I have to do is deal with me and no one else. No drama, no tears, no what if questions that could go on for days. No sacrificing my confidence for a nonexistent dream.. I'm me for me. Nothing anybody says matters, because I'll be me till the world freezes over. i make decisions for me, because I want to, and that won't ever change again.

I've been reborn.

Vent

There are days where I feel like I can't hide it; the rage that envelopes me.It isn't good enough to slide all that anger to the bottom of my soul to hide until can't pretend anymore. The emotions come out, and I feel ashamed of myself. My mind would ask:Why'd you let it happen?! What's wrong with you, you're letting the freak of you out. Because sometimes the way I see it, I'm an outcast, I'm a bomb waiting to tick. Any minute now, I'll explode and lose myself in the process. And that scares me. It scares me how fast my patience dwindles. It scares me how different I am. In the back of my mind, there's a voice that's drawing a picture of the quintessential me, the me that I will never become. And it makes me upset, to know that I can never be her. It's makes me mad that I spend my time trying to climb out of the hole of self loathing that I've dug for myself, that no one understands me, not even me . It makes me mad that I drown myself in guilt and that I feel I have to hide my flaws from everyone.
It makes me mad that the only person pulling me back right now is the same person who is writing this.
Me.

Somtimes

Sometimes it feels like
all the things that I write doesn't close the hole inside
my heart soul and mind
my pen gives me strength
for a few seconds and then I go back to being full of hate and rage
make myself cringe
with the thought of all the problems in myself that I've tried solving
all my life has been struggle
event though the world's revolving
moving on just isn't easy
when my worst enemy is me
try to leave behind my insecurities so I could be free
from those eyes that keep on judging
lunging at me though I'm running
in these circles chasing nothing
all this time I have been bluffing
to myself and no one else
living my life under this shell-
hating it all cuz nothing helps.

My heart's been left open and broken
I'm soaked in emotions
so long I've been hoping
to redirect my motives
obsessed in the moments inside my head frozen
replaying again and again
just can't focus
on life, wasting time
with these rhymes about you on my mind
when i should have been fine

Once a douche

I don't buy it anymore
that was me right at your door
hoping you would open up give me a chance cuz i was floored
didn't matter would happen it was you that kept me captive
by your "beauty", you were unique"
so i thought cuz were using my emotions your abusing
my acceptance you've eluded
now I've realized that you're stupid
you're an idiot you're useless
just like everybody else because baby you've made excuses
for the reasons you're a follower a wannabe
the model of
a jerk who hurts
puts up a wall thinks of him first
is at a loss at what the word respect would mean
who was i kidding trying to be
a person you would ever love
lived in a dream a cloud above
I'm falling and glad for it
all the memories once cherished out the window yeah they've perished
and I'm with it
of thinking it's ok and that you're innocent
for breaking me instinctively
like it's as simple as we breathe
you're just a pimple now you bleed
and just a thorn stuck in my side
it's really simple watch me leave
and say goodbye for the last time

-cuz one a douche always a douche

What makes me feel better is listening to bands like Guns and Roses and ACDC and Metallica because when you listen to it you can't help but imagine yourself on a stage with an electric guitar possibly on fire while the speakers around you explode and people are screaming your name so loudly you would swear you're deaf. Rock and roll rules the world no matter what anybody says.

Dear man who lives on the first floor

I just realized that you have the air conditioner switched on for the entire year. In the winter all you have to do is open a window if you get hot. You're wasting light so you can have the convenience of using a blanket in the summer while other people are standing around a garbage can for warmth. Does it make you proud that you can afford to supply air all over your house for an entire year while people are homeless on the street? Be a decent human being an switch off your air conditioner so New York doesn't experience a blackout. Have some courtesy for everyone else in the building who still owns a fan and don't rub it in our faces that you probably never sweat in your house.
Michelle
(I don't even know this guy but I saw him today and I felt like having my voice heard without having my aunt thrown out of her house because i said something or left a letter. I don't think he can speak English.)

Damn you Justin Bieber

Damn you justin Bieber. Damn you and your bowl hair and feminine voice. How the hell did you get famous? You were a nobody like three months ago. Now all these girls have you plastered on their walls and are yelling out your lyrics. Wait no, the lyrics that someone else wrote for you. Now you're richer than I'll ever be because you wear your hat sideways and say shorty in your songs. Aren't you like twelve years old? How all your songs about past relationships if you've probably had like one girlfriend? Watch in a few months you'll be on Disney channel and nick just like all the other famous kids, cause they all have to sing and act at the same time. And what the hell is Bieber fever?!

Haha I'm just playin", you know I love you Justin Bieber

Break the mirror

They say insecurity can't kill you. I beg to differ. Those days you hate yourself it hurts the thought crosses your mind. When your emotions are overflowing so much you feel you're bursting at the seams. When you can't fake a smile like you usually do because your heart aches. Your throat is sore from holding in tears. Your heart has been beaten down to a pulp and your mind is empty. Sadness creeps onto you like fog and you've become suffocated by your misery. the misery you try so hard to escape from. But now you've given up on trying to make everything okay. Because it's just easier to surround yourself in all the unwanted emotions. Let them consume until your heart turns black and the world is gray. Break the mirror out of rage that makes your hands shake and your heart race. Scream until your lungs deflate and your voice gives out. Let the world pass by while you stay in the same spot stuck in the moment you can't let go of.

My vice

My only ways to survive is music. And writing. That's the only way for me to escape from everything. Heartbreak, stress, anger, abd all the stuff in the middle. What really helps is Paramore, My Chemical Romance, and the almighty Eminem.Marshall Mathers' lyrics are what makes me feel whole.

Not alone

I try to be your friend, I really do. Cause I see how other people perceive you, how they laugh at you and refuse to take you seriously. But I'm different. I say everyone who doesn't like you can shut the hell up and stop licking you.
Cause I've been there where you feel like crap and the most important thing in your life right now is the acceptance of the people around, because now at least they like you. But that's not how life is supposed to be. You're better than that. But for some reason you don't think so. You live your life like your a piece of gum on the floor people scrape their sneakers on. You associate yourself with people who poke fun at your sorrows like it's their favorite game. And that's why I don't get you. You can do so much better. Cause I've seen you. The real you. And the person you're yearning to be is ripping you apart. In the end, it's you who has to be your support system, because I can't make decisions for you. I can't take the razor out of your hand, no matter how hard I want to. And it kills me to see them, the scars you try to hide, cause I can't do anything about it. I know it's not my job, but it makes me sick how people ignore you and make you ignore yourself, how people take advantage of your pain.
And even though I don't understand you, I'm gonna keep on trying to. Because being misunderstood makes you feel like your in a void of loneliness that's incurable and sometimes it feels like your stuck with no one but yourself, and the hate you harbor. The hole inside you gets bigger till you're enveloped in your own rage and insecurity. Suddenly, it's as if there's no turning back, and you're so deep in the emotions you tried so hard to escape you can't seem to get out.
I get it.And you need to know that you're not alone. I understand more than you give me credit. Just because I don't show it, doesn't mean I don't have so much emotions it hurts. Doesn't mean I don't hide behind my smile for convenience. Or that I don't know what it feels like to have almost everyone you know shove you into a box you don't fit into.

We're almost there

Can you believe it? We're almost there, to the end of the school year. It's weird how everything seems to drag on for an eternity till the end and you look back and it's flown by. By the time we know it, we'll all be graduating with tears in our eyes and early acceptances to colleges like Harvard and Stanford. It's already the fourth quarter and the flowers are blooming, even though I could have sworn just yesterday I was an eighth grader on a plane going to Costa Rica. But that's how life is. It zooms by without you if you don't advantage of every second. Next year we'll be sophmores. We'll be meeting new people, getting smarter, and maturing even more than we've already had (well most people.)I wonder, am I the only one who thinks about how they'll be when they get older? What friends they have, how many broken hearts they have acquired.
High school is definitely not what I would have expected. It's a lot of late nights and hard work. It's frustration and social sacrifice in order to succeed. But I've learned it's also finding yourself. It's about realizing you don't fit in into the crowd and accepting that you're unique. It's about realizing what you're calling is and doing everything you can to make sure it comes true. As the years progress, I know it's inevitable that people are going to change and life is going to get harder. High school is the chance for you to get ready to life alone. When you're on your own, there's no one but you who's going to pay your bills. You're going to have to get a job and make something of yourself, unless you're okay with mooching off of your parents like a leech.
I personally wouldn't be able to live with myself.

My Anthem

When I was a young boy,
My father took me into the city
To see a marching band.
He said,
"Son, when you grow up,
Would you be
The savior of the broken,
The beaten and the damned?"

He said,
"Will you defeat them,
Your demons
And all the non-believers,
The plans that they have made?
Because one day
I'll leave you.
A phantom
To lead you in the summer,
To join the black parade."
Sometimes I get the feeling
She's watching over me.
And other times I feel like I should go.
And through it all the rise and fall,
The bodies in the streets,
And when you're gone, we want you all to know:

We'll carry on!
We'll carry on!
And though you're dead and gone,
Believe me,
Your memory will carry on,
Will carry on!
And in my heart I can't contain it,
The anthem won't explain it.

A world that sends you reeling
From decimated dreams.
Your misery and hate will kill us all!
So paint it black
And take it back,
Let's shout out loud and clear.
Defiant till the end, we hear the call ...

To carry on.
We'll carry on!
And though you're dead and gone,
Believe me,
Your memory will carry on,
Will carry on!
And though your broken and defeated,
Your weary widow marches ...

On and on we carry through the fears!
Oh, oh, oh!
Disappointed faces of your peers!
Oh, oh, oh!
Take a look at me
'Cause I could not care at all!

Do or die,
You'll never make me
Because the world
Will never take my heart!
Go and try,
You'll never break me!
You want it all,
You wanna play this part!
I won't explain,
I'll say I'm sorry!
I'm unashamed,
I'm gonna show my scar!
Gonna cheer
For all the broken!
Listen here
Because it's ???
I'm just a man,
I'm not a hero,
Just a boy!
I'm gonna sing this song!
I'm just a man,
I'm not a hero!
I don't care!

We'll carry on,
We'll carry on!
And though you're dead and gone,
Believe me,
Your memory will carry on,
You'll carry on!
And though your broken and defeated,
Your weary widow marches on!

Do or die,
You'll never make me
Because the world
Will never take my heart!
Go and try,
You'll never break me!
You want it all,
You wanna play this part!
Do or die,
You'll never make me
Because the world
Will never take my heart!
Go and try,
You'll never break me!
You want it all,
You wanna play this part!
---

Waiting for the day

You know when you read something he writes and you want it to be about you, but big whoop it isn't. You want to hate him, but you can't cause he's moved on. Or really he forgot you were there because for him there was nothing to move on from.It's really hard, knowing you're not the one he's talking about. You want it to be. Because your mind tells you he's a piece of dirt on the floor, but your heart tells you otherwise. You miss him, the days when you didn't feel guilty when he crossed your mind. Nothing's changed because the feelings are as strong as ever, but the anger and shame that wasn't there before consumes you until you're overwhelmed. Right now, hope is your worst enemy because it's the only thing that keeps you from getting over him.
It ain't supposed to be this hard. I thought I was over this. I thought all those nights of thinking about him and the moments where I wanted to scream and punch the wall cause he wasn't with me was over. There was a time where I could've sworn I was fine. I could survive even though he sits right in front of me in English. I was bigger than that- bigger than him. Cause I didn't need his approval to be happy about me, cause confidence is a stain that never wipes off.

I just want it to end, I want him to be out of sight out of mind.We live in separate worlds and if he doesn't see me for me I should be able to forget about him. But my heart is in denial, and still stops when his green eyes coincidentally meet mine.
I'm waiting for the day where I forget about him so I can go on with my life without him crossing my mind and making me stop in my tracks.

My confession

Can't regret my decisions
not surprised I didn't listen
to my mind from the beginning
told me I wouldn't be winning
but I did it anyway
sad to say
my instincts were right got played
feelings of rejection and depressing just won't go away
and I pray
from the ground to the sky
but here they stay
never in my life would I imagine going through such pain
where my heart is broken
and I'm choking
on emotions
in my throat it's
killing me to be around him
all is lost i haven't found it
motivation to be better keep going to forget him
know its best if I don't let it get to me
just breathe

But it ain't workin'
I'm still hurtin'
in my soul there's hope still lurking
goes to show that I'm not perfect
getting hurt was never worth it
didn't learn my lesson
guessing
that I'm still obsessing
stressing
this is my confession
listen
to the words that i am spilling
can't deny what I am feeling
cause I tried to be it
tried to be this
person everyone expected
one that never gets affected
by the people who reject them
now I'm done
the show has ended
it was fun that's my confession.

Rise against

If you ever listen to My Chemical Romance, you'll see what real emo is. Man, it's deep, I tell you. THis is what real music is. Real lyrics you can feel. Not a synthesized voice singing about cars and money. It makes me sick to see all these people doing the same things everyone else does. Talent takes a backseat nowadays, and everyone does the same thing lil' wayne does. They say his lyrics, but they don't know who tupac or Biggie are. Never will I be like everybody else. I used to want to be that, till I realized you don't become remembered if you do that. You need to be yourself,even when it's hard. Because we've all been there, where you want to be the cool kid just to be it. Rise against. Prove them all wrong

Some things don't change

It's funny
how we're running
up the stairs to college
lugging
all this pressure, teachers bugging
us to keep our sleeved shirts tucked in.
since the fifth grade
we were babies
I've been noticing this lately
that nothing seems to be changing
and it gets so aggravating.
how we get autos for lateness
in the ninth grade
are you serious!!!!
you teachers are delirious
to think we're that immature
how can be so curious
that we can act that negative
when it's Wednesday
1:38
we're still in school
cause we were late
can't break the rules
"You'll be okay"
but there's one thought inside our brain
the thought that makes us feel afraid
a phrase we're scared to even say
"Some things will never ever change".

What I can be

It's not as easy as you think
the world I live in everyday
I'm not as happy
always laughing
as people probably portray
not the epitome of sluttiness society portrays
people expect tragedy from me
yet they don't know my last name.
They see my curly hair
almond shaped eyes
assume I'm Mexican
say the farthest I'll go is making fries
cause I'm from a different land
Say that my GPA
is 1.8
i'll be pregnant by then
this is what I don't get
cause last I checked
I was American
I'll be forever judged
cause of my blood
where I come from
ain't good enough
for all you
authorities
that I can never
ever please
because my skin's a little tan
and came into this world unplanned
But you don't know me
and it's showing
ignorance
cause where I'm goings
farther than
you guys were hoping
not going to live up to what you believe
you're gonna see
what I can be.

Can't Get out of my head

Man it's hard to forget you. No matter how hard I try, there's something about you. You do something to me, and sometimes it's like it's hard to breathe around you. I like to say I'm over you but..I'm not. Man it sucks-love. You know what the worst part is i was never in love with you. how can you you be in love with someone who never loved you in the first place. It was all a game. A sick game that i bet you jigsaw is watching in a room and laughing. I just don't understand-what you have on me. Is it that you're an asshole? Is it your really green eyes? It's not like it's completely your fault, cause if I really wanted to, I could've been gotten over you. but a part of me still hopes you love me. I don't know why that little part of me keeps on dreaming of the impossible. maybe It's what helps me sleep at night, thinking you and me will be something more. i know I need to stop. I NEED TO STOP!!!! I NEED TO GET OVER YOU!!!!!

Ranting session

You know things that really make no sense? It's so illogical it pisses you off. Like how we have laptops in my school but the only the thing we can go on is gmail, google scholar, and Microsoft Word. that makes no sense that they would waste SO much money to tell us we can't even go on pandora. That money could go to our Spring Dance, that we had to pay 2 DOLLARS to get in. Stupid cheap people just makes me want to punch people in the throat. Then they have the nerve to say maybe just maybe we'd be able to take the netbooks home if we knew how to use them appropriately. Oh how exciting. I'm gonna go home and take this tiny piece of crap that only goes o like three sites. Watch them take out google images soon. "Oh it's unprofessional to have backrounds that don't prepare you for college."Because our backrounds should be a study guide for our class, or better yet, our mission statements. Really what do they think we're gonna do on these retarded pieces of medal while we're in class?! They took off everything and then complain we don't know how to use them correctly. All because I put to much tabs in my assignment. For Real?!!?!! You know what really pisses me off though? How my teachers can smile in your face while they tell you have a detention for coning two minutes late to class. My question is:How can you be twenty six, maybe even older than that and still be as a fake as a barbie doll?! I really want to know if anyone actually knows the answer. Maybe It's a disorder. Yeah. a disorder that causes to ADULTS to be faker than that girl from Mean Girls (and I
'm not talking about Lindsey Lohan.) By the way, how do people like Kim Kardashian get famous? How is she filthy rich because her boobs are big and I'm gonna have to struggle all my life just to live in the projects? That's how you know America is load of bullshit, not the so-called Land Of Opportunity.A bunch of racist old white guys run this country. You know what I never got? Why is bread bleached white? My theory is white people can't stand anything not white, so they decided yeah it's okay to put a bunch of chemicals to make it the Superior Color.

My Bucket List

1. Go to a Mcfly concert
2. Dye my hair purple
3. Kiss a guy in the rain
4. Egg my ex-boyfriend''s house
5. Become a vegetarian for a week
6. Skinny dip
7. Get a tattoo
8. Get a piercing
9. Write a book
10. Be apart of a photo shoot/runway
    
11. Meet a real band in person
12. Punch somebody in the face
13. Be a leading role in a musical
14. Let my hair reach my feet in length
15. Meet Eminem
16. Dedicate a song to somebody and perform it
17. Call room service in a hotel
18. Fall in a pool at a party
19. Go to Vegas
20. Live in a haunted house for at least a day.
21. Go on a shopping spree and waste all my money.
    

Reality

Anger
Rage
say I'm crazed
in a daze
on the brink
of a break
d
o
w
n
'cause I've drowned
in my sorrows
and i'm nowhere to be found
look around
to the sky
to the ground
not surprised
I'm consumed
by regrets
while I fume
they forget
what I store in my chest.
Can't sleep
'cause my dreams
make me scream
out the names
and the pain
that I try to escape
everyday is a waste
as I chase
run in place
and pretend to be brave
for the people I face.
Hopefully
I can please
and pretend life's a breeze
that everything is free.


Sugarcoat reality.

Sidewalk(Broken Dreams)

Walking on the sidewalk
on my two feet
look around me
and I see
all my dreams
behind beams
trying to speak
they can't breathe
life ain't never what it seems.
Can't believe my life
was a fantasy
and I feel
like a freak
dreaming about jellybeans and ice cream
wishing that these things were possibly
a part of life, a part of me
that I was free
from the screams
the police.
Broken people
bursting at the seams
out of their jeans
wishing they had second chances
just to see
everything.
So I'm looking at my sneakers
looking down
trying to smile but have to frown
at the people
all around
with their dreams
behind screens
trying to leave
but can't see
nothing but their broken dreams.

Hate

When I wake up in the morning
want to punch you in the face
what I'm feeling in my heart for you I understand is hate
Want to choke you till your face turns blue
your veins come out of place
pull your hair that you grew
till you bleed out of your brain
wouldn't even have a clue
wouldn't even feel the pain
that I'm gonna do to you
I've been planning this for days
you can't stop me now you fool
you should probably get away
but you can't
you're too fat
I already got the bat
run away far away probably
should've lost some weight
should've stopped eating those cakes
how's it taste
all that blood inside your mouth that I made
from the blade
that I hid inside the couch yesterday
had to wait till today
just to slice you in the face
now I laugh while you race
blood is all over the place
Here's a towel
for your bowels
'cause it's really getting much
I can see where you peed
and you got in on my rug
I'm sorry it ain't a dream
see you looking up above
should've never lied you freak
wasn't smart to pledge me love
'cause you're filling me with doubt
and you make me want to cry
to the sky
to the ground
but there's no one to be found
sorry that your luck ran out
there's nobody in the house
wouldn't even try to shout
look around
it's the last thing you'll see
there's no use for you to scream
'cause you'll see me in your dreams
getting tired of torturing
don't be surprised
if you find tomorrow you aren't alive
you're not close to being free
I might kill you in your sleep
make sure you never cheat on me.

Colorful skulls

I'm into skulls. it's kind of my thing. So what if that's not really normal. Shoot me.Everyone else is the same in this world, no diversity. Ugh people nowadays are such followers it makes me want to throw up.

Dear Green Eyes

You broke my heart without even trying, and I'm tired of looking at myself like it's my fault, hoping for something to happen that never will , holding on to moments that were meaningless. I opened my heart to you, asked you the scariest question that I thought would never come out of my mouth, and you just walked away.I'm letting myself be consumed in a nonexistent romance only I saw while you go around like nothing ever happened and I'm reliving that moment over and over when you've probably forgotten. But no matter how hard I try, I can't hate you. In the end, you might have said no, but for the first time in my life I swallowed my fear and listened to my heart, even it was wrong. I can't live my life in regret of a tiny moment. The truth is, if I didn't ask you, I would've been waiting you to sweep me off my feet forever,and I'd still have my head up in the clouds, thinking there was a small possibility that there was something between us.I'm done with letting myself listen to the tiny voice that is telling me to not let go of you, because holding on to you is holding on to something that was never there to begin with; a waste.

The misunderstood

Quiet people are misunderstood. I should know. I've been one my entire life. There are three reactions you get when you're quiet: they either feel bad you, think your a freak, or you just don't exist. I don't know what's worse: being hated for who you are are or being made nonexistent because you're not social enough. It's not like I'm complaining, though. That used to be me. A year ago, I wouldn't have been able to tell you I was happy with who I was without bursting into tears. I was going through a cycle of self hate. I swore I needed to make myself a better person and I had an image of me I just couldn't fit no matter how hard I tried. I felt like I would never be good enough for anybody, when in truth I would never be good enough for myself. In my mind, I was nothing, nonexistent. I let the people around me cause me to feel invisible. I didn't want their sympathy, I wanted their acceptance.
I wanted my acceptance.
But who was I kiddin'? In the back of my mind I knew, I think I always knew, that I would never live up to that image, and that thought killed me inside.It made me hate the person I saw looking back at me in the mirror everyday. It wasn't until I truly accepted the fact that I had no lick of self esteem that I began to accept myself. It's kind of funny when you realize how dependent you are on other people's perceptions of you. You think you're pretty until you hear someone thinks you're teeth are yellow, or that your nose is too big. And it can be the the ugliest kid in school, or the girl that's so fake that she talks about everybody, but the damage is done. You can't help but look at yourself differently after that comment.You realize how fake half the people around you are, and you want to smack yourself for wanting to be one of them. But, honestly, who hasn't been in that boat? Who hasn't been a little insecure, or desparate for the acceptance of the people around them?Who hasn't felt misunderstood at least once in their life?